I hate planning my wedding

I hate planning my wedding.

I know, fourteen-year-old me would probably punch me in the face for saying that if she could master time-space travel and basic hand-eye coordination. Even eighteen-year-old me would be pretty pissed. I spent too much time ogling dresses, thinking about color combinations and, dreaming up delectable desserts to suddenly cop out when all of these dreams can finally come true.

I think part of the reason why I hate it so much is because many of these dreams aren’t coming true.

For example, I wanted Panera to cater my wedding. Seriously, what’s more delicious than soup and salad and sandwiches from Panera? And Panera was always an inexpensive lunchtime option for me. I thought, how big of a deal could it be to have Panera for 70 people?

Answer, it’s a huge deal. It’s absurdly expensive. The second you factor in a bunch of different types of sandwiches, and a bunch of soups, and you have to figure out what people want, and have it shipped… I gave up on that dream really quickly.

I always tried to think about what music there would be at my wedding. My father-daughter dance would have to be a Beatles song, and I love Queen. They have plenty of great dance songs. But that’s the problem: dance. I hate dancing. Yes, I know, I went to prom and parties and had a nice time, but what did I really enjoy? The spasmodic body wriggling or checking out everyone’s outfits and making sure my dress was prettier than theirs?

Which brings me to another wedding issue: the dress. This is the one thing that still might be fun for me. The thing I might actually enjoy…Until I look at the price tag. Sure, it’s easy to say yes to the dress when you don’t have to pay for it, but it’s so hard to rationalize $500 for a dress, then $100 for a veil, an extra $50 for shoes, $100 for hair and makeup, $300 for dress alterations… that’s over $1000 for an outfit I’ll have on for less than a day! What a way to start the rest of my life—a healthy mix of debt and buyer’s remorse.

And I know I’m leaving out the most important thing. The person I’m marrying. In all my wedding plans, I assumed the guy would just get stuck in at the end. I figured that since he was the one I chose, he would be completely on board with everything I had picked out.

Yeah, that turned out wrong.

I do love him, and I would like to celebrate our love with family and friends, but he’s a stubborn hermit whose dislike of large groups of people is matched with a loathing for dressing up and trying new foods. Oh, and just like me, he hates dancing. I know, it’s like we’re meant for each other.

So, in the end I wound up putting a deposit on a place because I was getting frustrated at myself for not getting started on this whole thing. I’ve been engaged for two years now, and it’s about time I got on this.

I don’t know if there’s much of a solution to my problem here. Maybe hire a wedding planner. Maybe elope. Or maybe put it off. I’ve been doing that for two years. Why stop?

Things I Like (and you should too!)

I realized the last few posts have been rather depressing. I promise, I am in fact a very cheerful person! So here are some things that make me cheerful:

1. Opening a new bottle of soda
2. Guinea pigs
3. Burping
4. Lilacs
5. Sunshine
6. American Girl Dolls
7. Cartoons from the 90s
8. Boys who play saxophone
9. Getting stickers on papers
10. Improvisation
11. Large noses
12. A good poop (I know you feel the same way. Don't lie.)
13. The number 13
14. The smell of books
15. Parallelism
16. Solving for "X"
17. Bassoons
18. Monty Python
19. Wedding dresses
20. Writing the first word on a blank sheet of paper
21. Pushing the "PUBLISH POST" button!

Fluffy White Death

I attend school in southern Pennsylvania. Last night, according to many southern Pennsylvanian's I live with, fluffy white death rained from the sky in a terrifying and freezing apocolypse. People ran around the city stocking up on milk, bread, and eggs. (Because I know every time I'm stuck in my house with nothing to do, I sit around and eat pounds french toast with milk.) Then, when they were driving back in an absolute panic, desperately hoping to escape their powdery demise, they decided to throw on their brakes at stops signs at the very last second so their car could practice figure skating. (After all, four-wheel drive means the car is ready for the Winter Olympics! Look out Evan Lysacek, my Jeep can skate circles around you!)

Basically, the entire area freaks out over a few flakes of snow. All of this frenzied fear cannot be healthy! Calm down people. Instead, these are some good reasons to go into a wild, manic panic:

1. Zombie Apocolypse: I think there have been numerous books, video games, and movies explaining this concept. Considering that I'm really bad at Hide-and-Go-Seek as well as Tag, I'm pretty sure I'm doomed. This would be an acceptable reason for me to panic. I'm not entirely sure of your survival skills, however. You might be able to survive with medium to minimal anxiety.

2. Hunted by a Dinosaur with Sharp Teeth: Those things are freaking terrifying. If you ever meet one that managed to survive the whole mass extinction thing, you're probably not only facing a dinosaur, but evolution's prime and perfect killing machine. Any whimpering, screaming, and/or unwanted release of bodily fluids would be completely understandable in this situation.

3. You Realize You are Entirely Made of Cake: Everybody loves cake. Even you love cake. You would not be able to escape. Plus, I'm not sure how your organs would function if they were made of cake. Maybe your liver would be alright since it's just filtering things out and cake is relatively porous, but I'm not sure about how your nerve endings would survive...or your brain. Anyway, if you are made entirely of cake, this would be very bad. This is very much panic-worthy.

As you can now see, a few inches of snow is not worthy of panic. Granted, I may be a little biased because I'm from Syracuse, New York, where we get hundreds of inches of snow a year....But that's beside the point. Snow will probably not kill you. Stop freaking out, unless you're going to cancel my classes. Then you may freak out all you want.

Business People

Due to my persistant fears of living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life, I decided to supplement my writing major with a marketing minor. I figured taking something businessy and practical would give me a leg up in a moneymaking world. Unless, of course, this blog takes off and renders my entire education unnecessary.

Unfortunately, this was before I realized that there are no humans in business classes. I tried to think of an animal that could compare to business majors, but I couldn't think of anything that actually exists. So, I made something up.

This is the Ursidae Business, or more commonly known as the Business Blob. Somewhat like a bear, but not nearly as vicous, this creature sits around and does pretty much nothing. It isn't even cute like a bear. It drools a little bit because it's still hung over from the night before, and it does not respond immediately to stimuli. I am convinced that it has some sort of brain deficiency.

But the most important characteristic of this creature is the fact that it's boring. The Business Blob justs sits there with a dumb look on its face whenever a teacher asks a question. When (heaven forbid) it is asked to complete a project in class, it utters some inarticulate grunts and grumbles, and shifts around in its seat, always avoiding eye contact with other creatures.

I admit, I may be a bit biased. After all, I come from a world of writing classes, where pretty much everyone is happy to be there, and very extreme and high-energy theatre classes, where nobody shuts up. To go from an acting class where people are bursting with ridiculousness and creativity to a business class is like walking from Disney World to Greenland. And not even the fun part of Greenland with penguins or seals or whatever. The boring part with nothing but drooling, ugly caribou who don't want to be there.

As a good little writing major, I have decided to spread my creativity and excitement to those Business Blobs. When I work in a group project, I try to be extra cheery and bump our projects up from dreary to delightful. But my favorite thing to do in a business class is give a presentation. I switch into theatre mode and give all of those Blobs a shock of energy and excitement. They all jump a little bit when I actually look around the classroom when I'm talking, use funny voices, and (you won't believe this) smile at the class. Unfortunately, due to a sad twist in evolution, the Business Blob has lost the ability to smile.

I know it's impossible to change these poor, miserable creatures. But I hope to show them that there is another way to live and give them a little taste of life as another creature. Maybe a Writing Wallabee or a Theatre Thrush. I'll work on that.

Sugar

I would like to profess my love for something very dear to my heart. I've felt this way for quite some time, and now that I have discovered the great and glorious powers of the internet, I choose to share it with you all.

I am in love with sugar. And let's all admit, it's pretty delicious. It's like caffeine, but yummy. And there's isn't nearly so much speculation about its health repercussions. Sugar rots your teeth; everybody knows it. There is no question involved. So I make that bottle of toothpaste my friend, but all of my affection goes to confection.

There's nothing better than a giant cup of hot chocolate, or a giant cup of cupcake. Or a giant cup of gummy worms. Someday I might come to my senses, and sugar will no longer be a primary food group. I'm not looking forward to that day. For now, I crash after my sugar high. Goodnight all!